Confession time: I binged again. It sucks. And it sucks even more lately because I feel like someone who teaches others how to stop binge eating can’t be a binge eater herself!
“I can’t be doing this. It’s my freakin’ job to not do this!” my mind shrieks.
Sheesh. Talk about a double whammy of shame.
Today I’d like to share why my latest long-term binge happened and how I got through it unlike any binge before. I hope you find it helpful if you struggle with binge eating too.
Let’s start from the beginning.
[Side note: This was originally posted almost five years ago exactly. While I am now updating it to have more clarity and conciseness (because my writing has come a long way in five years), the content itself remains the same.]
Why I binged again: My “gradual binge bender” of 2018
![that time that I binged again: [image of a sinking ship with a caption 'my internal state of min at the time'] imposter syndrome: "an internal experience of intellectual phoniness"](https://karidahlgren-net.b-cdn.net/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/that-time-i-binged-again-1-1.png)
About 3 weeks ago, I went on a gradual binge bender, which is my term for overeating a little each day for a long period of time. This one lasted about 2 weeks.
My gradual binge bender led to some weight gain, some bloat, and a lot of panic.
This is the first time that a long-term binge has happened since I gave up dieting back in 2016, so panic-mode was fully engaged. I was struggling with feeling like a fraud and other heavy emotions around my behavior.
When you couple my shame with the feelings that I was already not feeling (because that’s what every binge stems from: uncomfortable feelings that you’re trying to numb), I was about to face a whole mountain of discomfort.
Gulp.
But this is what I signed up for, right? Feeling your feelings is the bedrock of Psycho-Spiritual Wellness (my anti-diet approach to stopping compulsive eating), so yeah, this is EXACTLY what I signed up for.
Knowing how to stop binge eating, but not doing it
tools. As you know, the Stop, Drop, and Feel (SDF) is my favorite method for stopping a binge in its tracks.
It simply involves getting curious about your feelings when you’re about to binge or on a binge. Nine times out of ten, it gives you the ability to choose to feel those feelings instead of numbing with food.
This is my favorite tool because it works! Try it before you dismiss it, because it is truly amazing how it takes the compulsion out of compulsive eating (which means you have access to free will, and you can choose to eat or not eat – truly).
Here’s a video on how it works:
Sometimes the discomfort is too high to be willing to feel your edginess, though. This was my case these last few weeks.
I had just moved into a new apartment that had more quirks than I hoped; sustained a knee injury that kept me from my favorite things like surfing; and felt stuck with a heavy case of loneliness.
Enter: food.
As the binges slowly started happening, I was aware of it. But I couldn’t stop. Many of us know this as being in awareness hell. Each time I ate past fullness, I knew it was because I was so freaking uncomfortable that I was seeking comfort (and distraction) from food.
And I couldn’t stop, it seemed.
After I binged again, I panicked
I knew it was my feelings that were driving the binges. I knew that I just needed to sit with the discomfort instead of eating. But my brain was saying one thing and my body was doing another. The edginess was just too high. I kept eating.
And once I kept it up long enough to see my pants fitting tighter and my face getting rounder, I became completely panicked and considered restricting my diet…
Diet mentality came in full swing: “Maybe I should just eat keto for a few days. That always helps me get rid of bloat and shed weight quickly. That’s not a diet. That’s just healthy, right?” (If the restriction results in binge eating, then yeah, it’s a diet.)
Something was different this time, though. Instead of getting seduced by the control of dieting, I decided to test my strength.
Rolling up my sleeves, and practicing what I preach
As I trudged through the heavy sludge of emotion, I tried my hardest to stay committed to not dieting, since I know that dieting always leads to binges. And I practiced the SDF a lot.
(I also wrote a letter to remind myself of why I started this journey. You can read it here: An open letter to anyone thinking about dieting again)
I spent the last few weeks with large chunks of alone time, just lying on my bed and letting my emotions wash over me. For long stretches each afternoon, it was just me and all my edginess, going face-to-face.
And you know what happened? I didn’t die like I thought I would. Don’t get me wrong: I felt like crud.
No one likes feeling lonely or ashamed, but I made the choice to feel those feelings instead of numbing them; to open instead of close; to grow instead of recoil.
And I survived. And most importantly, the binges ended and my weight is starting to normalize and I did the whole thing without resorting to dieting.
Let’s look at this through a skill-building lens: dieting only helps you get better at dieting, which always ends in a binge. The Stop, Drop, & Feel helps you get better at sitting still with your discomfort, which ends in stopping binge eating.
For more eating psychology tips: Take my quiz to discover your eating psychology STRENGTH. Even if you struggle with feeling irrevocably puffy, we all have a strength—and I bet I can guess yours. Click here to take the quiz now.
I stopped binge eating by developing “grit”
![that time that I binged again: binge eating is how we shut down. getting curious is how we stay open. [image of a person lying down with a caption 'the most unsuspecting pose to stop binge eating']](https://karidahlgren-net.b-cdn.net/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/that-time-i-binged-again-5.png)
As I’ve practiced the SDF for the last couple years (with extra diligence the last 6 months) I’ve rewired my brain to develop what I call emotional tolerance. This is your willingness to sit with your discomfort without getting swept away by it. In Positive Psychology, they refer to it as grit.
Some synonyms for grit are: courage, bravery, backbone, strength of character, toughness, determination, tenacity, and endurance.
That sounds incredible. And I feel incredible. It took so much hard work to develop this trait! And it’s not a one-and-done thing. It’s a decision I have to make on a regular basis to choose to face my inner dragons (i.e. feel my feelings in the precise moment where I really don’t want to) instead of protecting myself with (the false illusion of safety that comes with) a diet.
How You Can Stop Binge Eating Too
Giving up dieting was one of the best decisions of my life. Choosing to feel awful instead of reaching for food is a decision that I have to make on a daily basis. They are both really good decisions.
They help me stay sane around food and bounce back from binges much quicker, without falling into the restrict-binge cycle on most days. I am human, as are you, and that means we are not perfect, and we make mistakes. Fortunately, emotional tolerance is an evergreen skill that will help you in the long run. Dieting can’t claim that benefit.
If you’d like to learn more about this unique approach to stop overeating, grab my free ebook below that explains more about Psycho-Spiritual Wellness:
I noticed I started bingeing again-hmm with a new job approaching, deadlines for research, current job training and more deadlines, Rover sitting, senior year of college about to start, presidents of the biology club on campus, ill father in nursing home, AND my car broke down for the 3rd time and scholarship money down the drain for it… oh it was only a matter of time!! Wow I think just writing all of this helped me… humans weren’t made for this multi-tasked duties like they are today. How can we control this?!?!
That is a lot to deal with all at once Teri! I hope you can find compassion for yourself. I think most people would turn to food for comfort during times like these, and it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Resilience helps us deal with the tough spots, and it comes with time and lots of Stop-Drop-and-Feeling.
Is there anything that really works? I have been bing eating 50 years. And than dieting. I am very good or very bad. Lost same 70 pounds 3 times.
Hi Linda! I think many of us (and I mean MANY of us) can relate to this — especially the all-or-nothing eating. I know how maddening it can feel!! And I think all the principles I teach here on my blog, YouTube channel, and books are the stuff that actually works. Of course, I’m biased, but giving up dieting and focusing on psychology has been one of the best decisions of my life. My weight stopped yo-yo-ing after that. So I hope you can treat yourself with kindness because this is very difficult work, and I also hope you take advantage of all the resources available around here. xo
Kari, thank you for sharing your struggle and success. Somehow it is so motivating for me to keep trying hearing of your experience.
Aww thanks Lena!! It is just as therapeutic for me to share the vulnerable pieces, and I am so glad it’s helpful.
This is so honest and helps a lot. It’s always motivating to see the strenght that comes after a setback. I always used to think that everyone has their life together and that they know exactly what to do when the s*it hits the fan, except me: i always don’t know, i always stumble, i’m always not good enough. Maybe dieting has helped me be good at something but the binges that came after being so disciplined about every gram calculated, really broke the last gram of trust i had in myself. I’m doing the SDF but i still have a lot to practice, i’m working on building the trust in myself that i’ve always lacked.
Thank you for yoyr posts and books, it helped me more than you’ll ever know.
Thank you so much for sharing this with me, Cari! You are incredibly self-aware, and courageous because your story was so open and raw. I have no doubt that these strengths will take you very far. And my hope for you is that, as you begin to step away from dieting, self-trust will likely reemerge. When we stop beating ourselves up for “failing” at dieting, we give less airtime to self-critical thoughts, and in that space, self-trust can begin to grow again. Thanks again for sharing, I know that many people can relate to your story, myself included.
Thank you for the self-test. I have been working on Stop Drop and Feel and not dieting but I forget that I have so much to unlearn. I have lost half my body weight for the second time in my life. I am panicked about how to keep off the weight. I have been focused on psychology and your post affirms that I am headed in the right direction. I hate my periodic binges but I can now see that those are moments when I can engage in my strength of discipline to double down and get curious about what I am feeling and trying to bury. I want to normalize food but there is so much to unlearn. Not turning to dieting is very hard. But I will keep working toward feeling my feelings. Thanks for sharing your story.
Hi Jennifer! You are headed in such a strong direction! To turn inward and get curious about what you’re feeling instead of reaching for a diet is a brand new muscle for many of us, and it sounds like you have more than enough strength to flex that muscle and train it. I sense that you know yourself very well, and I also sense some self-compassion starting to emerge! Which is a big deal for those of us recovering from the harsh self-criticism of yo-yo dieting. I greatly look forward to future updates!! I am glad you are here 🙂