Overeating isn’t a problem – it’s a symptom.
Like all symptoms, it’s best to address the root problem in order to find a lasting solution.
The idea that I’m about to present may sound crazy (bonkers, if you will) when compared to all the conventional wisdom out there. But in this case, crazy just might work.
Here’s my crazy idea: Overeating is caused by self-abandonment.
There seems to be an intimate and painful connection between overeating and the inability to stay with yourself. Hopefully, by shining some light in this area, we can evolve in ways we never imagined.
Overeating and Self-Sabotage
Why would we abandon ourselves in the first place?
In my humble opinion, self-abandonment happens because life is painful, and food helps soften that pain. For example, when we feel anxious, food helps calm the nerves.
While food offers an excellent coping mechanism (truly!) it can become problematic when we repeatedly reach for food when we aren’t hungry.
This often looks and feels like self-sabotage.
For example, let’s say that you’re someone that struggles with loneliness. While the activities of your day might keep the loneliness at bay, it often becomes heightened at night, when we’re alone in bed.
Without knowing it, we feel pulled towards the kitchen. Somehow, someway, we end up standing in front of the fridge, grazing on foods we don’t even care for.
This is self-sabotage! Furthermore, this is how we abandon ourselves. We reach for food to numb the pain instead of sitting with the loneliness and letting ourselves feel that feeling.
Returning to Center
If the root cause of overeating is self-abandonment, then the solution is to come back to ourselves over and over again.
The best way to do this is to take care of yourself.
By taking care of yourself, you bring the attention inward and return to yourself. While this also brings attention to the unwanted emotions, it’s important to feel these feelings.
This is what my popular method to stop binge eating — called the “Stop, Drop, & Feel” — is all about. I’ve found that when we make space for uncomfortable feelings (like anxiety, loneliness, stress) it takes the edge off the compulsive desire to overeat. It’s simple but difficult, so be sure to read more about how it works because it’s my #1 tool to stop binge eating!
I’ve also found that it can be powerful to couple the Stop, Drop, & Feel with self-care. Perhaps it’s because self-care can feel indulgent — and that’s a great alternative to indulging in food when you’re not hungry.
If you’re someone that puts others before yourself a lot, you probably don’t indulge in self-care too often, and food might become the indulgence later.
Also, note that I keep saying “when you’re not hungry.” This is important!
It’s important to allow yourself to eat the foods you want to eat when you’re hungry — even if it’s indulgent. This is how we overcome binge eating long-term. Permission to Eat is another critical aspect of eating psychology.
Pain Is a Path Leading Back to Yourself
Self-care is a particularly appealing “replacement” for reaching for food when you’re not hungry because it’s not quite an escape. And that’s what we’re all searching for when we reach for food late at night: escape from feeling awful.
Self-care forces you to be with yourself, and this is the essence of Psycho-Spiritual Wellness (the path to stop binge eating focused in psychology, not dieting).
The more you are able to stay with yourself when things get rough, the more you will be able to avoid abandoning yourself.
To make it weirdly specific, the more you practice self-care, the more you will be able to avoid throwing yourself into a bag of cheddar rice cakes at midnight when you actually feel lonely but don’t want to actually feel lonely.
Consider it mental training in being with yourself.
It Was Always a Feeling
Self-care is a great practice because it requires paying attention to yourself.
Since the desire to eat when you’re not hungry is all about escapism and abandonment, it’s a powerful move to turn inward when you’re feeling compelled to eat when you aren’t hungry.
The next time you feel like eating late at night when you aren’t hungry, stop and ask yourself what form of self-care sounds indulgent. Then, try doing that instead.
And if it doesn’t work, this is just one slice of the Psycho-Spiritual Wellness pie! To learn more, check out the free ebook below, which includes a free 5-day course in Psycho-Spiritual Wellness to catch you up to speed.
WOW what an incredible article! So happy I stumbled upon you Kari ???? this is EXACTLY the information I have been looking for. Thank you! X
Thank you so much for the wonderful comment Anna! Stoked to have you here! 😀
Your website was really helpful to me, I’ve been struggling for 6 months to understand what is happening to me and why I didn’t seem to care or accept that I was eating massive amounts of junk food, the normal amount of a family of 4 ! I’ve gained 16kg in 6 months and I don’t recognise myself. I was so happy to read your advice and different hypothesis on the subject, that to me really hits home.
Im feeling better already I had the courage to weigh myself and actually look at myself in the mirror for the first time as I’ve been avoiding it. this helped me understand how extreme the situation was. I’ve only ever had to loose 6-8 kg at one time. now I’m 16kg overweight and summer starts in like 2 weeks .I’m about to read your book that I downloaded for free. thank you , thank you
Hi cupcake! You are so brave! I love that you are willing to look within for the answer instead of turning to a diet. You are amazing and I am so glad you’re here!!! I’d love to know what you think of the book. Send me an email sometime 🙂 xo
I am not good on computer .. do you have a good old fashioned paper back version of why we do the things we do that can be sent to me? Stop, drop & feel is a good line! I will chuckle every time I am doing a mock fire drill at work ..
Hi Diane! I’m glad you like my cheeky Stop, Drop, & Feel! I do not have paperback versions of my books (yet) but I do include a 20-page printer-friendly version with my workbook so that you have something tangible to write on.